Christmas

Re-posted from Christmas 2004:

Betty was sad about Christmas in her blog th'other day, Ben was sad about his, and I spent all of my Christmas in a minivan driving from Alabama, so here's what I say about that:

Christmas is horrible because you see all these movies and hear all of these stupid songs about how it's so great, that families spend quality time together, that Santa brings exactly what you wanted, that there's love and goodwill and harmony everywhere. These things aren't real.

We're not kids anymore. We're too old to believe in Santa, too young to appreciate our families, and impossible to buy for.

When Christmas rolls around all I see is dirty snow on the sides of the road, where people driving Hummers with wreaths on the front are cutting me off, not fucking signaling, same as the rest of the year, but now they're in a big hurry to get the new Nintendo for that kid they half-way regret having most of the time.

Christmas demands something of us that's just unnatural. To feign surprise opening the gifts you asked for specifically, to stay awake while your aunt asks you All About College, and still have a smile on your face when it's time to start peeling potatoes? Not something I'd carol about, honestly.

Life is NOT "It's a Wonderful Life," it's not "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." It's the same as every other day, except no one's working, and no one expects to be let down.

It's impossible to live up to that.

But if you think about it, do you really want to be a Lifetime original movie?

The best thing to do, I guess, is to buy cheap presents (you're probably poor if you're reading this anyway) for everyone else so you have more money left to buy yourself what you really wanted, suffer through the innumberable reunions to enjoy the time with people you really like that much more.

Once you've spent time with your family, realizing at the same time how much you've missed them and why you left in the first place, you have time for your friends. You can spend the little time you have at home making fun of cripples and old people and going to porn shops and drinking soda-pops and eating when you're not hungry and bowling and giggling and everything.

I love being home.

But I hate the holidays.